


fighter, you are steel

by fangirl_squee, madelinestarr



Series: the bird, the book, the shield [3]
Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, clothing as metaphors, hadrian is a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 16:25:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10903065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl_squee/pseuds/fangirl_squee, https://archiveofourown.org/users/madelinestarr/pseuds/madelinestarr
Summary: "Your friends may carry blades of forged steel, Fighter, but you are steel."





	fighter, you are steel

**Author's Note:**

> part three!!! We wrote this before we found out Hadrian's wife's canon name, and by the time we did we were _way_ too attached to Sabrina to rework it.
> 
> thanks again to lexie, for betaing and her enthusiasm

High Commander Iridian Abolere did not rise from behind her ornate wooden desk to greet Hella as she entered. Abolere finished the sentence she was writing before looking up to acknowledge Hella.

 

“Hella Varal, Queen Killer, thank you for meeting with me today.”

 

“Hey, for the good of Ordena? Anything.”

 

“It’s good to hear you say that so readily,” said Abolere, gesturing the to chair opposite her. “Please, sit.”

 

\----

 

“This is...”

 

“Good?” offered Lem hesitantly.

 

“Very bad,” said Fero at the same time. 

 

“Unexpected,” sighed Hella, over the top of them both.

 

They looked at each other for a moment across the table. Fero bounced his leg under the table and Lem shot him a look.

 

“What do  _ you  _ want to do, Hella?” Lem asked quickly, before Fero could say anything.

 

Hella bit her lip. “I... I don’t know. Ordena is my home, it’s my family, it’s my culture. It would mean leaving Velas, and maybe it would just be for a few months, but...”

 

“But probably longer, right?” said Fero.

 

“Military operations don’t normally go exactly to plan,” said Hella, “If I left, I couldn’t make any promises.”

 

Fero tapped on the table. “Can you run a command by mail? That sounds like a thing, right Lem? You’re always telling me how interesting letters from commanders are.”

 

Hella ran a hand through her hair. “I don’t think that’s possible, Fero. They want me to  _ command _ from the front lines as they move into Hieron. They want me to sail ships-”

 

“Oh, please, I don’t want to go on a  _ boat _ ,” Fero whined.

 

“And travel southward towards the center of the continent.”

 

Lem’s ears perked in unison with the corner of his mouth. “Like an exploratory expedition? That sounds wonderful!”

 

“Not to explore,” said Hella. She paused, unsure of the right way to break this to them both. “To conquer. Ordena wants to control Hieron.”

 

\----

 

“So, I would travel with a group of people at my command?”

 

“That’s right.”

 

“Into the continent? Proclaiming how great and good Ordena is?”

 

“Think of it as being like what your  _ friend Hadrian  _ does,” said Abolere, winking, “but instead of Samothes’ word, you’re proclaiming our metal. Our mettle. Our might.”

 

Hella nodded, trying to keep her face still to cover this mixture of shock and excitement bubbling up inside her. She’d never officially been asked to  _ lead _ other Ordenans before -- oh, she’d been placed strategically in squadrons that needed an extra boost of skill and power, and they’d always been happy enough to have her there, but this was different. This was a  _ position _ of trust being placed in her by Ordena.

 

Add to that the excitement of a journey, well. Especially since her current travelling companions would be much better company than she would have normally been able to find on a military campaign. 

 

_ Imagine Lem and Fero getting to see all the kinds of trees and animals that could exist in this world _ . She couldn’t wait to bring the news back to them.

 

“Can I-. Hm.” Hella paused, considering her phrasing. “Could I bring my... own people? On the campaign?”

 

Abolere nodded, seeming pleased. “The Varal family is more than welcome to travel with you, of course! Nothing could show the might of Ordena quite like our ideals of a strong unit. No doubt it will be inspirational for your troops to see such a dedicated family.” 

 

“No, I-” Hella paused again. The trick to being a hired hand was to know when to fight and when to run. “Could I bring... my friends? The people I’ve met in Velas.”

 

“I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

 

\----

 

Lem and Fero looked at Hella in shocked silence.

 

“They… what?” said Lem faintly.

 

“That’s- They can’t just  _ do _ that,” said Fero, “like, that’s not something they can just decide to  _ do _ , right?”

 

“I mean, she didn’t say it outright,” said Hella, “but Abolere made it pretty clear that they’re ramping up for a large-scale movement.”

 

“Them talking to one person doesn’t sound very large-scale to me,” said Fero.

 

“Oh,” said Lem. He pulled out his journal, flipping through the pages to some of the more recent entries. “I think… I think it  _ is _ more than one person.” He flipped back a few pages, and then forward again. “There are quite a few Ordenans that live here you see, or rather, they  _ did _ live here until a few months ago, when they started to get significant job offers from Ordena.”

 

“Isn’t there someone whose job it is to notice stuff like this?”

 

“Probably,” said Lem, looking through his journal, “but they’ve been doing the offers very slowly, and a lot of the Ordenans who were here weren’t military - mostly they’re fishermen, or bakers, or blacksmiths…”

 

“Things that help an army function,” said Hella.

 

Lem flicked back a few more pages. “Some of the first people I spoke to here mentioned their neighbours moving away. I’d say they’ve been recalling Ordenan citizens for almost two years.”

 

The three of them stared down at Lem’s journal.

 

“So. An en mass recruitment of Ordenans,” said Fero.

 

“Looks like it,” said Hella.

 

“No, what I mean is- an en mass recruitment of  _ Ordenans _ ,” said Fero, “ _ Just _ Ordenans.”

 

Hella frowned. “Well… yes.”

 

Fero made a frustrated noise. “I can’t imagine they liked it much when they heard we’d be coming along, seeing as how we are very noticeably un-Ordenan.”

 

“Yes,” said Hella carefully, “about that…”

 

\----

 

“Don’t you think having Ordenans under your command would be....  _ better suited _ , shall we say, for this campaign than your Velasian friends?”

 

“It’s not that,” said Hella hurriedly, “It’s just that I’ve been working with this group for a while now, and I think they’d be a good addition to have.”

 

Abolere hummed thoughtfully. “I suppose as long as they could pass a quick basic training test or two that would be acceptable.”

 

“What sort of test?”

 

Abolere blinked at her, before giving Hella a small smile. “Oh, yes, of course. I suppose you’ve never been through it yourself. It’s all very simple, just a way of making sure they meet fitness requirements, weeding out any… undesirable people, that sort of thing. I’m sure any companion of yours would be able to pass without any trouble.”

 

Some of Abolere’s words caught on Hella’s mind. “Undesirable people?”

 

“Oh, you know,” said Abolere, “anyone  _ unnatural _ .”

 

Hella’s sword began to vibrate, just a little, and Hella put her hand on the hilt.  _ Not now _ .

 

“Unnatural,” said Hella, keeping her voice steady, “right.”

 

Abolere smiled. “Can’t have them in the army when we’re fighting against them, obviously, it’s just not good for troop morale.”

 

“Right,” said Hella again.

 

\----

 

“You don’t want us to go do you? You think we couldn’t make it in the army?”

 

“Fero,” said Lem.

 

Fero was too riled up to heed Lem, making wide gestures. “No, no, I get it, you don’t think we’re good enough fighters to be in your precious army. That’s fine! I hope you have fun marching across Hieron, I’m sure you and your new Ordenan friends will have a great time.”

 

“ _ Fero _ ,” said Lem.

 

“ _ What _ ?” said Fero, turning to Lem.

 

“I don’t think that’s what Hella was saying,” said Lem.

 

“It’s not what I was saying  _ at all _ ,” said Hella, “and if you’d just  _ listen _ to me instead of-”

 

“Hella,” said Lem.

 

Hella let out a slow breath. “What I was  _ trying _ to say is that- look, there’s a lot of things I have to think about before I decide anything. I haven’t made a decision either way yet.”

 

\----

 

“So,” said Abolere, spreading her hands in front of her, “a command of your own, marching under Ordenan colors, bringing Ordenan values to those who need it. What do you say?”

 

“Oh, uh. Could I have time to think about it?”

 

Abolere’s smile froze around the edges. “How much time?”

 

“Just a few days?” said Hella, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful for the opportunity but I’ve- I’m- There’s just a lot to consider.”

 

“Of course,” said Abolere smoothly, “take a few days, think it over.”

 

“Thank you,” said Hella, standing to leave.

 

“But I do expect your answer before the end of the week. There’s a lot to prepare. I’m sure you understand.”

 

“I- yes,” said Hella, “I just… I need time.”

 

“And you have it,” said Abolere, “we take care of our potential recruits just as we would if they were committed to our cause. I look forward to hearing your response.”

 

_ I look forward to figuring out what it is _ , thought Hella.

 

\--

 

“There’s just … there’s a lot to consider,” said Hella.

 

Fero paused. “But you  _ are _ considering it.”

 

“It’s a big opportunity,” said Hella, “I’d be a fool not to.”

 

“Yeah,” said Fero, in a small voice.

 

The earlier twitchy energy seemed to have left him, and he looked away from her, towards the window. 

 

“I guess something like that would make you a fool,” he mumbled, to himself.

 

Lem and Hella made eye contact across the table. The room felt very small and still, and it made Hella’s skin itch.

 

“I should... I’m just gonna… go, for a bit, okay?” Hella said, hesitantly. 

 

Lem nodded, looking over at Fero. Fero continued to look out the window, his hands balled in his lap. It was strange to see him so still.

 

Hella kissed Lem and, after a moment of hesitation, the top of Fero’s head. 

 

The small  _ click _ of the door on her way out felt too loud in the small space.

 

\----

 

After the door had closed and the sound of Hella’s footsteps had faded, Fero looked back at Lem.

 

He gave a watery laugh. “I always thought people were talking about me when they told you to  _ never love a wild thing _ .” 

 

Lem nodded numbly. “Let’s just... take a nap. Things always seem better after you’ve slept.”

 

“I don’t think this is one of those things,” said Fero.

 

Even so, he followed Lem to the bed, lying down next to him and curling himself around Lem’s side, resting his head on Lem’s chest as he always did. His fingers traced patterns over Lem’s shirt, and Lem quietly watched him.

 

“What are we gonna do when she leaves?” said Fero. His voice cracked.

 

Lem took Fero’s hand and kissed it before threading their fingers together. He squeezed Fero’s hand.

 

“ _ If, _ not when.”

 

“Fine,” said Fero flatly, “ _ if _ she leaves. What are we gonna do?”

 

Lem sighed. “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out, we always have before.”

 

Fero looked away. “Yeah, but we didn’t have her  _ before _ .”

 

\----

 

Hella walked by the fishing docks. It was missing the old factory, and it was a lot busier than her home ever was, but it was the closest facsimile to the Ordenan coastline that Velas could offer her.

 

_ But I wouldn’t be home, would I? That’s not what they’re offering, _ she thought, sidestepping people still working despite the cold air getting even colder with the setting sun.  _ They want me in Hieron, alone.  _

 

“Hey, Varal!” Someone called to her, voice echoing off cobblestones from around the corner. “Give me a hand with this!”

 

Hella had no idea who the person was, but went anyway. You never knew where one job might lead you, and she’d always taken work where she could find it. She put a hand on her sword hilt as she approached the alley. Sometimes, after all, jobs could lead to danger.

 

Down the alley was another person, tall and thin, wiry in the way of someone who chooses to be, not because they lack good food nearby. They smiled widely at Hella.

 

“Hella Varal, as I live and breathe. Help me carry in these fish barrels in before they freeze.”

 

Hella nodded. She picked up the barrel and followed the person inside the small room to set it down. They closed the door after her. 

 

“Oh, thank Samothes I found you,” they said, lowering their voice to a whisper, “Did you get summoned to the Embassy as well?”

 

Hella nodded.

 

“Well, what are you going to do?” they demanded.

 

“I-. I don’t-. Who are you?” Hella stuttered.

 

The person blinked, drawing back so they were more in the light. “Oh. It’s Ren. Ren Tutton. You and I once fought together before the three Clans were united. Do you not... remember me?”

 

Hella cracked a grin. “...Are you still terrified of mice?”

 

“I was  _ never  _ terrified of mice!” Ren yelled.

 

The worry had left their shoulders now that Hella had recognised them, making them seem taller, more solid.

 

_ Ren _ , how had she forgotten? Hella’s memory of them fighting together came back in a tidal wave: Ren, who loved eating fruit more than meat. Ren, who always had Hella’s flank. Ren, whose white hair reflected the light of the post-battle campfires like a goddess. Ren, who was beautiful and funny and also definitely terrified of mice.

 

“Then why’d you always have to sleep in my tent?”

 

Ren grinned. “Oh, I’m sure you could think of a few reasons, Varal.”

 

Ren winked, and Hella laughed through a blush, remembering. They both paused, the distant sound of dock workers calling to each other and the waves muffled through the wall. Ren rubbed their hands together, trying for warmth in the cold air of the storeroom.

 

“What are you doing in Velas?” Hella asked, before the silence could stretch on for too long.

 

“Oh! The wives and I settled here about six months ago after the twins were born.”

 

Hella blinked. “....Twins.” 

 

“Yeah, two beautiful baby boys. You wanna meet them?”

 

“I, uh, yes. Of course.” Hella nodded slowly, following Ren up the stairs.

 

“They’ll love to meet their aunt Hella.”

 

\----

 

Lem watched the shadows in their room lengthen, Fero a warm weight on his chest. It wasn’t often that they couldn’t think of anything to say to each other, and the silence rubbed at Lem. He tried to focus on the patterns of their breathing, the gentle rhythm of people moving outside their room. The flow of the city continued no matter what their troubles, and there was comfort in that.

 

Also a comfort was Fero, who had fallen asleep, his face pressed into Lem’s chest. Fero always seemed smaller to Lem in sleep, fragile in a way he didn’t seem when he was awake. Lem pulled Fero closer to him, feeling the warmth of Fero’s body through their clothes. He’d have to get up to pull the blanket over them both soon, even if it would mean waking Fero up.

 

Hella had left her jacket hanging on the back on one of the chairs, and Lem couldn’t look at it. He hoped she had something to keep her warm while she was out. He hoped she’d be back for her jacket soon.

 

Lem listened to the sound of the city, and pretended that he wasn’t listening for Hella’s footsteps within it.

 

\----

 

Ren led Hella up to their small living quarters, over a small fish shop and bar. 

 

“Honeys, I’m home!” Ren called.

 

A head poked in from the kitchen. Seeing Hella, she gave Ren a curious look. “Good, you can put supper on the table, the babies just went down for a nap.”

 

“That’s Noah,” Ren whispered to Hella. “She’s the boss, so we gotta be quiet now.”

 

Hella smiled timmidly.  _ What did I get myself into?  _

 

Before Hella could say anything to Ren or Noah, another woman walked out of the door to her left.

 

“Ren, did you bring my book back from the boat? Tori down the street wants to read it and- oh.” She stopped, her gaze falling on Hella. “Ren, do we have guests?”

 

“Just the one!” said Ren cheerfully, “Hella was my second in command when I fought. Remember, she’s the one who got the sword I always say I deserved?”

 

Hella stepped past Ren to shake hands with the other woman. “If you ask me, Ren lucked out; the sword’s more trouble than it’s worth. I’m Hella Varal, of Ordena.”

 

The woman shook Hella’s hand, giving Ren a look Hella couldn’t even begin to figure out. “I’m Jessie. Are you staying for supper?”

 

“Oh, no, I really couldn’t trouble you-.” Hella said, feeling out of her depth as another woman, who Hella assumed was Noah, also joined the small hallway party.

 

Noah looked between the three of them, wary. “Of  _ Ordena _ you said?”

 

“I just wanted Hella to meet the boys! I invited her in!” Ren said, putting both of their hands up in a  _ don’t shoot! _ gesture. 

 

Jessie and Noah exchanged a look before turning back to Hella and Ren.

 

Noah nodded. “Jessie just put them down for their nap, but I’ll take you in if you’re quiet.”

 

“As a mouse.” Hella said.

 

Noah and Jessie smiled at the frown that spread across Ren’s face.

 

“Oh, nevermind, I like her. She can stay,” said Jessie.

 

“Well if  _ you _ like her...” said Ren.

 

Noah laughed, gesturing for Hella to follow her past the kitchen.

 

\-----

 

Fero was pretending to be asleep.

 

He didn’t want to hear any false comfort from Lem, and he couldn’t think any comforting words of his own to offer, so it seemed like the best tactic. Or rather, it had seemed that way when he’d started, keeping still enough to fool Lem was difficult.

 

It also meant he couldn’t get up and fly out of the room, ride the winds for a while to clear his head. Maybe go find the Ordenan that had given Hella this stupid offer and cause some trouble. 

 

_ That’d show them _ , thought Fero,  _ see how they like it when someone flies into their lives and messes up their plans. _

 

Although. He didn’t really  _ have _ a plan. He hadn’t had a plan since he’d left Rosemerrow, and even then his plan had just been ‘leave Rosemerrow,’ which wasn’t exactly detail-heavy. Maybe that was the problem. He and Lem had no counter-offer to compete with Ordena.

 

Lem had stayed instead of leaving for the Archives. Maybe if he could just think of something that Hella would like more than Ordena, like Lem’s project, then she’d stay with them. 

 

Hella liked ridiculously early mornings, and the times when Lem would sing to himself absent-mindedly, and hearing Fero make up gossip about the animals in the city. She liked fresh fish, and taking off her plate armour at the end of the day, and being kissed in that one spot under her jaw. It was hard to see a way for that to compare with the glory of what Ordena was offering.

 

Fero sighed. He just needed a plan. If he could make a good enough plan, Hella would want to stay. 

 

\----

 

“Avery and James are their names; they’re six months old; and if you wake them, I  _ will  _ kill you,” Noah joked.

 

At least, Hella hoped she was joking. Hella had kind of forgotten if murder was a joke regular people made. Still, she’d found it was better to assume all threats were valid, and she kept her movements careful and quiet as they moved towards the crib.

 

“They’re beautiful,” she whispered.

 

Noah nodded. “They are. Ren works hard to keep all four us healthy and well fed. We’d be  _ nothing _ without them.”

 

“I’m sure they do,” said Hella carefully, “They’ve always been a hard worker.”

 

They watched the babies for a moment. Avery and James lay next to one another in the crib, covered by a blanket. The blanket had flowers and sea creatures embroidered on it. Hella wondered who had made it. The Ren she’d know could barely fix a hole in their socks, but a lot had changed since those days.

 

“I know why you’re here, you know,” said Noah.

 

“You… you do?”

 

Noah stepped between the sleeping boys, pushing Hella back a pace and poking a finger into Hella’s chest. 

 

“Don’t you dare take Ren away from us, you hear me,  _ Ordenan?” _ Noah spat the word at her like a slur. “Ren is loved and happy here and there are  _ plenty _ other people you can take besides them, you got it?”

 

Hella put up both her hands in a  _ don’t shoot! _ gesture, mimicking Ren from earlier.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m not taking Ren away from their family.”

 

“Bullshit!” Noah whisper-shouted, keeping her voice quiet despite the level of anger showing on her face. “ _ Bullshit _ ! Three Ordenans visited Ren out by the docks last week, asking if they’d move back home to join some kind of  _ special army _ . One comes by, Ren says no. Another two come by, Ren says no again. And here  _ you  _ show up, an old friend from the army days as a way to, what, convince them to go back to their old way of life? They don’t need that! We don’t need that!” 

 

Despite her effort’s Noah’s voice had grown steadily louder. Avery began crying, and then James.

 

“Oh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck  _ you _ , Varal.” 

 

Noah picked up Avery and began bouncing him up and down to try to soothe him back to sleep. She tried to comfort James with her free hand, but James’s wailing only grew louder. Noah covered her face with one hand, and began to cry.

 

Hella removed her chest armor and undid her sword, resting them against the side of the crib. She reached into the crib, carefully picking up James. It had been a while since she’d done something like this, not since she was back at home helping to care for her siblings while her parents were away, but the muscle memory remained. 

 

Noah made an outraged sound but didn’t try to stop her, too desperate for another moment of silence. 

 

Hella held James close to her neck, where he could feel Hella’s heartbeat the best. She hummed quietly, a song she’d heard Lem sing sometimes during the evening. It always reminded her of sunset and warm bedcovers, although she wasn’t sure if that was because of pattern magic or just her own associations.

 

Slowly, James was lulled back into sleep. He curled into Hella, his tiny hand clutching the collar of her shirt. Noah wiped her eyes on a small towel, visibly trying to pull herself together. Hella kept her focus on James, trying to give the other woman at least the pretence of privacy.

 

“I can probably take him now,” said Noah. Her voice was hoarse.

 

Hella eased James into Noah’s arms, where she easily cradled him on the opposite side to Avery. Hella was reminded strongly of one of her older sisters, Trith, cradling Hella’s younger siblings that way as she tried to get to sleep. It was good to find she still had peaceful memories like this. Not all of Ordena was made of sharp metal and fish.

 

“I’m sorry about that, I’m just so… Jessie and I have been so worried ever since Ordena started sending people for Ren.”

 

“I don’t- I’m not from the Embassy. They called for me, too. I have- I have people here, people I care about that they won’t let me bring with me. People like you and Jessie are to Ren,” said Hella.

 

Being in Ren’s house, with it’s quiet rooms and soft, familiar laughter made something stir in Hella. She felt like her thought were moving slowly towards an answer, like waves running up against a sandy beach. Calm, but sure of it’s destination. 

 

Noah sniffed. “So you found Ren to what? Convince you to stay?”

 

“Ren found  _ me _ . But I’m glad they did. This,” Hella gestured to the quiet sound of Ren and Jessie laughing together outside the bedroom and to the babies in Noah’s arms, “is nice. I’ve never, uh, been one for staying anywhere too long. But the people I’m with-” Hella felt a lump in her throat, blinking to try an hold back sudden tears, “they…It’s different, with them.”

 

Noah nodded. “Ren still gets nightmares, sometimes. Awful ones, about when they fought at home. And new ones too, since the Ordenans have started coming by, about us being dead in the house. They’re… they’re our sword and shield, y’know? I don’t know what Jessie or I, or the babies, would do without them.”

 

“A sword and a shield,” said Hella, “I think I know what you mean.”

 

Noah put the sleeping Avery and James back in the crib and kissed their foreheads, humming her own soothing tune as Hella put on her armor and sword back on.

 

“Will you stay with us, for supper?” said Noah, hesitantly, “It’s fish, but-.”

 

Hella shook her head. “No, thank you. I would love to, sometime, but there’s someone else I could use some guidance from.”

 

Noah walked Hella to the door. “May Samothes bless and keep you, Hella Varal.” 

 

\----

 

The room was in darkness now, and Hella still hadn’t returned. 

 

The cold air left goosebumps on Lem’s arms. Fero was still asleep on his chest and Lem was reluctant to move, in case he woke him. Better that Fero should sleep and get a few hours away from worry than be awake with Lem.

 

Lem watched Hella’s jacket out of the corner of his eye, thinking of Ordenan ships slipping away in the darkness.

 

\----

 

“We always love seeing you, Hella, but what ever is the matter?” asked Sabrina, her voice gentle.

 

Sabrina was seated at at the head of the table. Beside her, Hadrian set down his cup and gave Hella a concerned look.

 

“I,” Hella took a deep breath. “I needed some guidance. I didn’t know who else to ask.”

 

“Papa asks Samothes for guidance,” said Benjamin, from Sabrina’s left. 

 

Hadrian laughed, reaching over to ruffle Ben’s hair. Ben battered his hands away, but he was smiling.

 

Sabrina nodded, smiling at them both. “That’s right, Ben.”

 

“Yes, and I ask your papa for guidance. My north star, you might say,” Hella said.

 

Ben wrinkled his nose, looking confused. 

 

“When the sun isn’t out,” explained Hella, “and you’re on the ocean far from shore, you use the North Star to point you to where you need to go. If we go sailing sometime, I’ll show you.”

 

Ben nodded excitedly. “I’d love to see your home, aunt Hella. Could we go there?”

 

Hella exhaled.  _ Home. _

 

“If that’s what you want, kid. And if it’s alright with your parents, of course.”

 

\----

 

The room was a lot darker when Fero opened his eyes, muscles twitchy from holding still for so long. He pushed himself up, one hand resting on Lem’s chest.

 

Lem blinked at him in the darkness. “Oh, you’re awake.”

 

“Yeah,” said Fero.

 

“Hella’s still not back,” said Lem, after a moment.

 

“I can see that,” said Fero, “or I could, if you would have turned on some lights in here.”

 

Lem gave him a small smile before his face faded back into worry. “I didn’t want to wake you.”

 

“I don’t mind when you wake me up,” said Fero.

 

Lem’s smile stayed for a little longer this time.

 

“I think we should go find Hella,” said Fero.

 

Lem bit his lip. “What if she’s … you know… gone.”

 

“What! No!” said Fero, “First of all, she said she was going to take a couple of days and I don’t think I’ve been asleep  _ that _ long. And second of all, uh,” Fero looked around the room, thinking, “ah-ha! Second of all, she left her jacket here!”

 

“I think Ordena would give her another jacket if she needed it,” said Lem.

 

“Yeah, but that would be an  _ Ordenan _ jacket, that wouldn’t be  _ Hella’s _ jacket,” said Fero, “and I’m pretty sure she likes that jacket. I mean, she’s been on some adventures with that jacket, it’s probably full of, like, sentimental value and stuff. I’d want to take it with me if I were her.”

 

“You really think she likes the jacket that much?” said Lem.

 

Fero’s shoulders fell. “It’s worth asking, isn’t it? Even if it is just a stupid jacket.”

 

Lem leant up and kissed Fero, slowly. When they broke apart, Fero blinked at him, feeling dazed.

 

“I think it’s a great jacket,” said Lem, a big smile on his face.

 

“Wait, no,” said Fero, “I’m not doing a metaphor here, I really was talking about the jacket.”

 

Lem chuckled quietly, swinging his legs off the bed and beginning to hunt for his shoes. “Okay.”

 

“Really!” said Fero.

 

Lem shrugged, still smiling. “Okay.”

 

“Ugh, you’re the worst,” said Fero.

 

Lem leant over and kissed him again.

 

“Okay,” said Fero, “Okay, so maybe you’re not  _ the _ worst.”

 

Fero slid off the bed and pulled Hella’s jacket off the back of the chair, folding it up carefully and hugging it to his chest. He looked up to see Lem watching him, a soft look on his face.

 

“Come on,” said Fero.

 

Fero still didn’t have a plan, not really, but he hadn’t had a plan when he’d left Rosemerrow either, and he’d found Lem anyway. Having a plan was overrated.

 

\----

 

Hadrian took Hella to the back porch, while Sabrina put Ben to bed. There were two rocking chairs faced towards where the sun rose every morning, and Hadrian took one, gesturing for Hella to take the other. He handed her a bottle of ale before taking a drink of his own.

 

“So,” said Hadrian slowly, “ _ guidance _ , huh?”

 

Hella gripped the bottle, white-knuckled. “Ordena wants me to help lead an army into the continent.” 

 

The words burst out of her in a rush. She’d felt like a balloon that had been ready to pop all day.  

 

Hadrian nodded, his mouth a grim line. “I’ve heard as much from the other prelates and holy men in the church. Quite a few people have stopped by the church looking for advice.” He shot her a curious look. “I wasn’t expecting you to be one of them.”

 

“I’m not asking for the church’s advice, I’m asking for  _ your _ advice.”

 

“Some might say they’re one and the same.”

 

“Some might, but I wouldn’t,” said Hella. She let out a frustrated breath. “What do I do?” 

 

“Well, what are your options?”

 

Hella sighed. “I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you. Right now I feel like I can either join a crusade for my way of life or become an outcast from my only home.”

 

“So not great either way.”

 

“Yeah,” said Hella. She look a long drink. “I was kind of hoping you’d have some kind of third option in mind.”

 

“I don’t know that there’s much I can say,” said Hadrian. “I’m not exactly an unbiased party here.”

 

“I’m not asking you to be,” said Hella, “what would  _ you _ do, if they asked you to fight or face being cast out from your home?”

 

“That’s… Samothes has given me many difficult tasks over the years, but I don’t know that I will ever have to make a choice like that.” He gave her a sidelong look. “You might not have to make that choice either.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Hadrian took a drink. “Just that a person can have more than one home over their lives, and maybe if Ordena can’t be yours anymore, well,” he shrugged, “maybe there’s another place waiting to be that for you.”

 

Hella finished her drink, setting the empty bottle down at her feet before reaching for another from the small icebox beside them.

 

“It’s not just that,” said Hella.

 

“That seems like it would be enough.”

 

“I just - I have loyalty to Ordena, I feel it down into my bones,” said Hella, “but I also feel-” She stopped, then tried again. “Fero and Lem are…” she trailed off, unsure of what to say or how to say it. 

 

Hadrian leaned forward. “Do you remember what you told me, the night before my wedding?”

 

“I … sort of?” said Hella.

 

“I was so nervous, and I kept saying to you that I didn’t know if I could do it, because how could I give myself fully to my wife and still commit myself to the church?” said Hadrian, “And you told me something that I have never forgotten. You told me that if it ever came to it, if there was ever a choice that I had to make, that I should go with what my heart said.”

 

“Well, that’s different,” said Hella.

 

“How so?”

 

Hella looked away. “Because you’re a good man, Hadrian. And we both know that I’m not.”

 

“Hella…” 

 

Hadrian put a hand on her arm, and she looked back at him. Hadrian looked at her sometimes like he could see through the plate armor she wore; like he could see the light shine out through where the pieces of metal had been welded together, to the light she wasn’t even sure was really there.

 

“I think we both know that’s not quite true,” Hadrian said.

 

They drank in silence, watching the stars shine dimly behind the city lights, until Sabrina called them both back inside for fear of them freezing to death. It was a cold night for the summer, too cold for them to wait for the sunrise.

 

“I should probably be going anyway,” said Hella.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay overnight?” said Sabrina, “You don’t even have a jacket.”

 

“I’ll be fine,” said Hella, “it’s not far.”

 

Hadrian walked her to the door. “You must have left in quite a rush to forget your jacket.”

 

Hella sighed. “That’s one way to put it.”

 

\----

 

“I think Hadrian’s place is this way,” said Lem.

 

“I  _ still _ say we should go try the Ordenan embassy first,” said Fero.

 

“And  _ I _ still say that if we went there they wouldn’t tell us anything.”

 

“Who said we’d ask them anything? I go in there as a mouse, have a look around, find out everything we need to know.”

 

“That’s sounds like a very dangerous plan,” said Lem.

 

In fact, it barely sounded like a plan at all, but Lem didn’t want to pick a fight with Fero right now, mainly because Fero was in the kind of mood where he was likely to try to enact that kind of plan to prove it could be done.

 

“Yeah, well. It would get us more info than going to Hadrian’s house,” said Fero sulkily, “how do we even know that she’s there?”

 

“We don’t,” said Lem, “but Hadrian might have some idea of where to start looking.”

 

“But I already  _ have _ an idea of where to start looking!”

 

“And I already told  _ you _ , we’re not breaking into the embassy!”

 

Lem looked around, quickly checking to see if anyone had overheard them. Luckily the combination of the late hour and the cold weather meant the street was deserted.

 

“Fero, look,” said Lem, lowering his voice, “it’s too dangerous-”

 

“No it’s not.”

 

“It’s  _ too dangerous _ ,” said Lem, “there’s too much of a chance you’ll get hurt, so we’re not doing it, we’re going to see Hadrian and he’ll tell us where to find Hella and then we can- we can give her the jacket.”

 

“I’ve gotten hurt doing stuff before,” said Fero.

 

“Yes,” said Lem, “and those were all terrible plans. This time we go with my nice safe plan of ‘talking to someone who doesn’t want to kill us’.”

 

Fero paused. “That’s not a very catchy plan name.”

 

“Well, if you can think of a better name for it, you can change it,” said Lem, “but this is what we’re doing.”

 

Fero sighed. “Fine.”

 

They walked a little while in silence. As they headed away from the markets into the Sun District there were more lights in the windows, people trying to cheer themselves against the cold.

 

“Did you really hate my other plans?” asked Fero.

 

Lem reached out and took Fero’s hand, squeezing it. Fero squeezed back.

 

“I don’t like it when a plan gets you hurt,” said Lem, “I suppose I’m just funny that way.”

 

\----

 

Hella walked down the quiet street, taking the long way back to the Inn so that she could go by the docks. A low fog had come in over the water, and it reminded her again of home.

 

She tried to picture herself there now, standing on the rocky shore where she’d spent most of her childhood, watching the waves for the return of her parent’s boat. If she closed her eyes she could almost hear the crashing waves and the clanging of the factory as it churned Ordenan steel into weapons, the clattering of the carts as they rolled along the town’s only road to collect them. Not a quiet town, but a small one. 

 

Hella remembered how, despite the open fields that surrounded it, how cramped it had felt towards the end. She remembered how good travelling away from it had been, the world opening up to reveal new fields, new forests, new cities.

 

Not many trees there, she remembered. Not many new stories either. It was hard to picture Fero and Lem there, and their absence made it that much harder to picture herself returning. It was where she’d come from, but it didn’t feel like  _ home _ anymore. Perhaps Hadrian was right, and another home was waiting for her elsewhere.

 

\----

 

“You just missed her,” said Hadrian, “she left about ten minutes ago.”

 

“I told you coming here was pointless,” muttered Fero.

 

Lem ignored him. “Did you see which way she went?”

 

“I might have,” said Hadrian. He paused. “Why is it that the two of you want to know?”

 

“We, um, we need to talk to her about something?” said Lem.

 

“We have her jacket,” said Fero, holding it out to show Hadrian.

 

Hadrian’s expression softened. “I see.”

 

“It’s pretty cold out tonight,” said Fero, “she’s probably going to need it, right?”

 

Hadrian nodded, his face unreadable.

 

“Look,” said Lem, “we just want to make sure she’s okay. With everything going on with Ordena right now…. We just- . We want to make sure she’s okay.”

 

Hadrian nodded again, and pointed down the street. “She went that way. She usually goes to the docks when she wants to think something through.”

 

\----

 

Hella heard the marching of Ordenan boots before she saw who was following her. She recognised the sound from years of campaigns: a leader with two behind them. The kind of three-to-one odds Ordena would manufacture when they thought their opponent would put up a fight.

 

She turned to face them and readied herself, hand on her sword hilt and feet planted firmly. She was from a fishing village, she knew how to fight on wet stones if she had to. Maybe that would be enough of an advantage to make this a fair fight.

 

“Commander Abolere,” said Hella, “I’m surprised they would send you for this.”

 

Abolere stepped out of the shadows, Ordenan soldiers either side of her.

 

“I suppose, then, it is a night of surprises,” said Abolere, “I would have thought that you were smarter than to run straight into the arms of your  _ Velasian lover _ after our talk this morning.”

 

Hella felt a stab of panic before she realised Abolere meant Hadrian. Ordena didn’t know about Lem and Fero. Lem and Fero were still safe from her mistakes.

 

“Ordena needs better spies if that’s what your intel told you,” said Hella, “You should know better than to work from year-old information.”

 

Abolere gave an exaggerated sigh. “Come now Varal, your falsehoods do you no service. You ran straight into Hadrian’s arms after we spoke, and with his wife at home too. Although these Velasians... perhaps this is the way they prefer to do things. They do not have the morality that Ordenans have.”

 

Hella knew that such a comment would have rolled off Sabrina and Hadrian as easily as water, but she couldn’t help but feel offended on their behalf. Hella took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

 

“You are making a mistake,” said Hella.

 

“You are the one who has made a mistake this night,” said Abolere, “you made a mistake when you did not accept Ordena’s offer, and then you doubled it when you chose to betray us.”

 

“I would never betray Ordena,” said Hella.

 

“You already have, when you chose the side of people who harbor the unnatural over your home,” said Abolere.

 

Hella’s sword began to vibrate, and she tightened her grip on it.  _ Please _ , she thought,  _ not now _ .

 

“I would  _ never _ betray Ordena,” repeated Hella, “Just because I wanted time to consider your offer and went to visit a friend proves  _ nothing _ .”

 

Abolere smirked. “That you still hold to the pretence that you are simply  _ friends _ proves that you see the shame in it. What will your family say, when they hear of this betrayal? Will they share your shame, or will they simply disown you, as Ordena will?”

 

Abolere looked triumphant, as though the Varal family opinion still held sway over her life, as though she had not been free of that the moment she crossed beyond the fields of her small hometown.

 

“I can’t control what others feel,” said Hella, “but I feel no shame. Not for this.”

 

Abolere raised an eyebrow. “You have betrayed Ordena, the place that gave you life, and you feel no shame?”

 

Hella thought of Lem and Fero, hidden away like a secret. She thought of Lem, weaving violin strings into patterns to make her stronger; of Fero, swooping through the air as a bird.  _ Unnatural _ .

 

Hella thought of her last name,  _ Varal _ : a punishment for being a betrayer. She thought about her family, how they always tried to live by the law, trying to prove they were more than their name. Such things stick, and it had been in her blood for such a long time. 

 

She thought of Fero, grinning as he told a terrible joke over breakfast to make her laugh, and of Lem, tongue flicking at his tusks as he carefully wrote down something into his journal, illuminated by candlelight.  _ Hers _ .

 

“No,” said Hella, “I don’t.”

 

“So be it,” said Abolere, and drew her sword.

 

\----

 

“The docks,” said Lem, “Right then.”

 

As they turned to go a young man wearing the crest of Samothes rushed past them, bumping into Fero in his rush.

 

“Hey!” said Fero.

 

Hadrian raised his hand for quiet, looking at the young man. “It’s Teg, isn’t it? What’s happened?”

 

“Sir, it’s Hella Varal, the-” Teg cut himself off, looking to Fero and Lem, “Maybe I should tell you inside, sir.”

 

Lem sucked in a sharp breath.

 

“What’s happened to Hella?” said Fero.

 

He gripped Hella’s jacket close to his chest. Lem put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed.

 

“You can say it in front of them, son,” said Hadrian. “They’re good people.”

 

“If you say so, sir,” said Teg. “I was meeting Heylen for our evening meal together, like we always do after his shift, and as we were leaving a messenger gave an alert about some Ordenans confronting one of their own about being a spy, and I saw Hella’s name on the alert, and then I came right here, sir, because I know you’re friends and I thought you’d want to know.”

 

“Did the alert say where the confrontation was?”

 

“Down at the docks, I think?” said Teg.

 

“Right,” said Hadrian, “thank you for telling me, Teg. I’ll take it from here.”

 

“No,  _ we’ll _ take it from here,” said Fero.

 

“Things will be easier with three,” said Hadrian, “ _ Stay here _ while I go get my sword.”

 

As soon as Hadrian stepped away from the door, Fero turned to Lem.

 

“Quick, let’s go, we can get a head start.”

 

“But he just said it would be easier with three people,” said Lem.

 

“And we’ll  _ have _ three people,” said Fero, “you, me, and Hella.”

 

Lem looked between the open door and Fero. “But-”

 

Fero bounced on the balls of his feet. “ _ Lem _ . We’re wasting time. Hella’s in danger  _ right now _ .”

 

Lem bit his lip. “I suppose Hadrian can always catch up to us later.”

 

“Exactly!” said Fero, “Now, come on.”

 

Fero took Lem’s hand and held tight to Hella’s jacket with the other, and the two of them began to run towards the docks.

 

\----

 

As Abolere drew her sword, Hella’s sword increased its vibrations, almost humming as it bounced against her leg. She would have liked to have kept it sheathed to quieten it,  but with Abolere advancing on her, she had no choice.

 

The humming was louder as she drew her sword, the sound echoing of the water. The two Ordenans flanking Abolere exchanged startled looks before drawing their own swords. They hung back as Abolere moved forwards, movements hesitant.

 

Abolere gasped. “No wonder you would betray Ordena so easily if you use a blade such as that. Did your  _ friend _ Hadrian give that sword?”

 

“I was given this sword a long time ago,” said Hella, “and it has served me well.”

 

“How can something that goes so against the natural order of the world serve a just purpose?” said Abolere.

 

“If this sword offends you so much,” said Hella, “why don’t you try and take it from me?”

 

“I intend to,” said Abolere, “and then I will destroy it.”

 

A gust blew in over the water, wave foam splashing up over the edge of the dock. Abolere flinched.

 

In the moonlight, her sword almost seemed to glow. 

 

Hella laughed. “Come on then.”

 

\----

 

As they got closer, Fero could hear the sound of swords clashing. His stomach dropped. 

 

The moonlight caught Hella’s armor, highlighting every scratch she hadn’t been able to polish out, every dent left in there after a battle that hadn’t been removed. The three Ordenans’ armour gleamed, smooth and new.

 

The woman Hella was fighting lunged at her and Hella blocked her blade, pushing her backwards. The other two Ordenans stepped forward, blades at the ready, and Hella turned to face them, a grim look on her face.

 

Fero hurriedly pushed Hella’s coat into Lem’s hands.

 

“Wait,” said Lem, “Fero, don’t-”

 

“Hella!” said Fero, rushing forwards.

 

Hella looked past the Ordenans, a look of surprise on her face.

 

“Fero?”

 

The two Ordenans began to turn, and Fero took the opportunity to ram himself into their legs (sometimes his height worked to his advantage). One stumbled backwards and fell. The other stumbled into the woman who Hella had been fighting, who pulled him upright. She scowled.

 

“You two shouldn’t be here,” said Hella.

 

Lem stepped around the Ordenan that was lying on the ground, and held out Hella’s jacket.

 

“You forgot your jacket,” said Lem, “We wanted to- that is, we thought you might be cold without it.”

 

“Especially if you’re going on a long journey somewhere,” said Fero.

 

After a moment, Hella took the jacket. She looked down at it before looking back to Lem and Fero, giving them both a small smile.

 

“I don’t think I’m going on one any time soon,” said Hella, “at least, nowhere without the two of you. If… if you’d like to come with me.”

 

Lem put his hand on top of Hella’s where she was holding the jacket, and Fero mirrored the motion.

 

“Like to?” said Fero, “We’d  _ love _ to.”

 

And wow, if he’d thought the woman Hella had been fighting looking angry before, now she looked  _ furious _ .

 

“Enough of this,” spat the woman, raising her sword, “you will travel nowhere but into the kingdom of death for your treason against Ordena.”

 

Hella pushed her jacket into their hands, stepping forward so that she was in front of Lem and Fero. She watched the other woman warily, holding her own sword at the ready.

 

“The two of you should leave,” said Hella.

 

“Uh, no way,” said Fero.

 

“This is my battle and I will not have you hurt from it,” said Hella.

 

“So we’re just supposed to leave you here?” said Fero.

 

The other woman swung at Hella, and she blocked the blow.

 

“You don’t have any weapons!” said Hella, over the clang of the blades.

 

Fero made a face. “Uh, I don’t need one.”

 

“Oh, oh no,” said Lem, reaching for Fero’s shoulder, “Fero, don’t-”

 

Transforming into an animal was one of those things that sounded a lot harder than it was. Or, at least, that’s how Fero had found it to be. He reached down, to the place inside himself where he imagined his magic resided, and thought of what he’d like to become. How the fur looked. How sharp the teeth and claws were. How the tail twitched back and forth. In the space of one heartbeat and another, he became a cougar.

 

One of the Ordenan soldiers was trying to help the other that had fallen to stand. Fero snarled at them. They stared at him for a moment, frozen in place, their eyes wide. One of them swore under his breath.

 

Fero snarled again, this time making sure to bare his teeth, and pounced.

 

\----

 

Hella heard Lem yelp something behind her before a cougar jumped past her, landing on top of the other two Ordenan soldiers and knocking them both down dramatically.

 

She blocked another of Abolere’s blows, grinning. “Perhaps now would be a good time for you to surrender.”

 

“A real Ordenan would know that I would never give up to a traitor.”

 

“I am  _ not  _ a traitor,” said Hella.

 

\----

 

Hadrian exited his house, light armor and his halberd at his side, to find only Teg there. He sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“They left already, didn’t they?” Hadrian said, more to the sky than to the person before him. 

 

Teg nodded, and a wolf howled somewhere nearby.

 

Hadrian sighed, shook Teg’s hand. “Thank you for coming to me with this, but I have one more favor to ask of you.”

 

\-----

 

Their blades clashed. Hella and Abolere were both close together, trying to force the other into losing their footing and falling back. Hella could see the beads of sweat forming along Abolere’s hairline despite the cold air.

 

“Only a traitor would bind themselves to unnatural forces as you have done,” said Abolere.

 

“You would take the sword that has served me and kill the companions I care for,” said Hella through gritted teeth, “If anyone is being unnatural here, it’s Ordena.” 

 

“You have done the same in past,” said Abolere, “surely you must understand what we’re trying to do.”

 

“I think I used to understand,” said Hella, muscles straining as she pushed forward, “but now I place my loyalty in those I love, not in the place that sees them as  _ less than _ .” 

 

She could feel the vibrations of Abolere’s blade grinding against her’s as she pushed - or, no, it wasn’t coming from Abolere’s blade. It was coming from  _ her  _ blade. 

 

The humming grew louder, sounding less like a monotone hum and more like a song. Hella recognised the melody even without the lyrics to accompany it. It was an old journey song, the kind her parents would have sung to her, about a fisherman returning with a full boat in a storm to his family, the long tiring journey ending with the hope and love of his home.

 

Abolere’s arms faltered, just for a moment, but a moment was all Hella needed to push herself forward. She swung at Abolere fast, wrenching Abolere’s sword from her grip and tripping her. Abolere fell backwards, landing hard on the cobblestones.

 

Hella kicked Abolere’s sword away and put one foot on Abolere’s chest, putting slightly more weight than necessary on it. She glanced over at Fero and Lem. Fero was still a cougar, lying across the prone bodies of the other two Ordenans. Lem had his hand on Fero’s head,  petting him almost absent-mindedly. 

 

Hella grinned. Abolere followed Hella’s gaze, then looked back up at Hella, scowling.

 

“ _ This _ is why you would betray Ordena,” rasped Abolere, “for some  _ halfling _ and an  _ orc _ ?”

 

“Their  _ names _ ,” said Hella, leveling her sword at Abolere’s throat, “are  _ Fero _ and  _ Lem _ .”

 

Abolere looked up at her, face twisted in anger and pain. There was something else in her gaze, too, something resigned. Hella had seen that look on many people she’d faced before, before she’d taken the light from their eyes. Hella knew that Abolere would never surrender to her. It was not the way for Ordenans. Hella would have done the same if their positions were reversed.

 

“Hella! Hella, you’re not a killer!” Hadrian called, running up to the small battle. 

 

He, unlike Fero and Lem, had at least come armed. Behind him were a few city guards, looking to Hadrian for orders. At the sight of them, Fero transformed back into his halfling self. Fero reached out and took Lem’s hand as Hadrian stepped in front of them, blocking them from Hella’s view.

 

Hella laughed, feeling it burble out of her throat almost unbidden. It sounded harsh in the cold air. Her sword was almost touching Abolere’s throat. It would be so easy to finish this.

 

“But I  _ am,  _ Hadrian. You’ve seen me kill people, many people, for reasons far less noble than this. I’m the  _ Queen Killer _ .”

 

Hadrian stepped closer, slowly. “This is different than killing someone in battle, Hella, you must know that.”

 

“Are you sure about that, Hadrian? Really sure? She would kill me, and Lem, and Fero, and you eventually. And Sabrina, and Benjamin. She’d have us all killed if it means that the  _ might of Ordena _ is spread around.” 

 

Hella could feel tears start to run down her cheeks, but she ignored them. She was so  _ angry _ . Why would something she  _ loved _ betray her like this? Hadrian had told her to follow her heart, and she was trying to do that. She was going against Ordena to do that, and she’d go against him too, if she had to. She would burn Ordena and Velas to the ground right now if it meant Lem and Fero could be  _ safe _ .

 

“If I kill her, you’re all safe.”

 

Hadrian had both of his hands up as he approached her, his ring glinting in the moonlight from where it lay on his chest. “We’re all safe right now, Hella. Let’s put the sword down, let’s talk about this.”

 

Hella could see Fero and Lem behind him now. Fero was behind Lem, peering around to peek out at the scene, gripping the side of Lem’s jacket tightly. Lem still had ahold of her jacket. 

 

“I mean, we’re all gonna die one day!” Fero yelled from his position behind Lem.

 

“Fero’s not lying, but I don’t think that was your point,” said Lem. He bit his lip, hands tightening around her jacket like a lifeline. “We  _ are _ okay, though. We don’t go down without a fight, but you don’t need to fight right now.”

 

“You should listen to your  _ acquisitions _ ,” Abolere spat from where she lay on the ground. 

 

“Actually, nevermind. Kill her real good for me, Hella.” Fero said, finally stepping out from behind Lem, though his small face still looked nervous. 

 

“ _ No _ ,” said Hadrian, “Hella, listen to me. They’ve attacked you, you were defending yourself, I get it, but if you kill her now… I can’t help you if you do that.  _ Please _ .”

 

“Then tell me another way, Hadrian,” said Hella.

 

“Just… lay down your sword first,” said Hadrian.

 

Abolere laughed. Hella’s blade scratched her throat moved with the movement, drawing a faint line of blood.

 

“Hella,” said Hadrian, “ _ please _ , I’m asking you to trust me.”

 

Hella looked from Abolere to behind Hadrian, where Fero and Lem stood. Lem had taken Fero’s hand again and he was chewing his lip. Fero fidgeted, nervous energy coming off him in waves.

 

“If you want to keep fighting, we’ll fight too,” said Fero.

 

Lem nodded. 

 

Hella tightened her grip on her sword. She could fight the Ordenans and a group of city guards (and Hadrian too, if she had to), even in it meant getting injured in the process. She’d had battle wounds before, and she’d accepted long ago that there would be plenty more wounds in her future. It came with the job, it was as much of a part of her life as her sword was.

 

But Fero and Lem weren’t fighters. Neither of them had brought  _ any _ weapons. They didn’t have scar tissue from years on the battlefield, as she had. They hadn’t felt part of themselves go cold as they drove a sword through flesh. She didn’t want them to reform themselves for battle. She looked back at Hadrian, who left his wife and his son when it was needed of him. Who always had her flank in battle but would also make sure she had the last slice of cake when they were home. If he could believe in not killing this one time, maybe she could go along, too. 

 

Hella took a deep breath, letting her sword relax by her side. She kept one foot on Abolere’s chest but lessened the pressure somewhat. Abolere took a gasping breath in response. Some of the tension in Hadrian’s shoulders disappeared.

 

“I will not lay down my sword,” said Hella, “and your plan had better not be for me to just release her back into the city.”

 

Hadrian held out both his hands, palms up. “Abolere and her men have attacked you without provocation. Ordinarily, this would be a jailable offence, but as Abolere is a Commander in the Ordenan army, I have been informed by a… reliable source that this offence is much more serious. Such an action by an Ordenan official is a serious breach of several treaties Ordena currently has with the city of Velas, and as such she and her men must leave the city immediately.”

 

“You want me to release her so she can just… leave?”

 

“I imagine there will an extensive investigation, on both sides of the water, about this,” said Hadrian.

 

Hearing ‘extensive investigation’ from Hadrian was code for months of meetings, painfully detailed statements, and the kind of bureaucratic nonsense that could follow you and tie down your movements for years. Not as good as killing Abolere where she lay, but Hella could find that acceptable.

 

She stepped off of Abolere’s chest. “Fine.”

 

Abolere pulled herself off the ground and moved towards her sword. Hella stepped on it.

 

“Ah, no time for that,” said Hella, “you must be leaving.”

 

Abolere balled her hands into fists by her sides. “Living here has made you  _ weak _ . You are only good for following orders.”

 

Hella ignored the old Ordenan insult, leaning in close to Abolere. She didn’t take her foot off Abolere’s sword. “Make no mistake, Commander -- if I ever see you again, I  _ will _ kill you.”

 

Two city guards grabbed Abolere by the shoulder before she could reply, pulling her away. The two Ordenans that Fero had knocked down were half-carried away by the rest of the city guards Hadrian had brought with him. 

 

Hadrian nodded to Hella. “I’ll deal with this from here, but I will stop by your room tomorrow. There will be much to discuss.”

 

Hella sighed, sheathing her sword. “I expected as much.”

 

Hella picked up Abolere’s sword and dropped it into the sea; watching as it disappeared into the deep water. It could do no harm to Lem and Fero from under the waves.

 

When she looked up, only the two of them were left; staring at each other in the moonlight, the only sound coming from the waves crashing against the dock.

 

Lem slowly held out Hella’s jacket to her; their fingers brushed as she took it.

 

“I can’t exactly wear this over my armor,” said Hella, “But I.... It’s good that you brought it.”

 

Lem smiled, a little hesitantly but warmly. “It was Fero’s idea.”

 

Fero shrugged. “I just thought you might be cold.”

 

Hella nodded, smiling down at the well-worn jacket. 

 

“It’s not a metaphor,” Fero added quickly, “it’s just a jacket.”

 

Hella looked curiously at them. Lem was grinning at Fero. Fero was blushing.

 

“It’s late. We should get back,” said Hella.

 

“Probably going to be a long day tomorrow, huh?” said Fero.

 

Hella hummed. “Probably.”

 

“We’ll get through it,” said Lem.

 

Lem held out his hand and Hella took it, squeezing her hand. Hella bit her lip, looking down at their joined hands and back up to Fero and Lem. Hella swallowed around feelings that were too big to put words to.

 

“Let’s go home,” said Hella.

 

The streets were quiet as they walked back to their room. The inn was almost empty of patrons as they entered, and they were such a regular sight now that no one gave them so much as a second glance as they headed up the stairs. Hella didn’t let go of Lem’s hand until the door was closed behind them.

 

She laid her jacket gently over the back of the chair where she’d left it that morning, smoothing a hand over the fabric. She took off her sword belt, looping it to hang off the back of the chair as well, and began to remove her plate armour. Lem’s hand covered her’s where she was undoing a strap.

 

“Here,” said Lem, “let us do it.”

 

Slowly, Lem and Fero removed her armour, piece by piece. Hella, unsure of what to do with her hands, lightly touched the top of Fero’s head, the back of Lem’s hands. 

 

Hella sighed as they pulled her chest-plate off. She often forgot how heavy her armour actually was while she was wearing it. The air of the room felt much cooler through the fabric of her shirt. They piled the armour neatly by the table, draping her under-armour over the chair with her jacket.

 

“That’s better,” said Fero.

 

He seemed twitchy, hands going to touch the under-armour before drawing back at the last moment, as though it might burn him. He curled his fingers away, holding his hands behind his back. 

 

“Fero, are you…Before, when I fought with Abolere, you seemed…” Hella pressed her lips together.

 

“What? No,” said Fero, his smile showing too many teeth, “I’m fine.”

 

In case Hella needed any more proof that she was right to be worried, Lem frowned.

 

“Do you remember when I told Hadrian that I wouldn’t lay down my sword?” said Hella.

 

Fero stared at her. Lem nodded, brow furrowed in confusion.

 

“In Ordena, you’re raised to never let go of your weapon, especially not around other people, and  _ never _ around people who aren’t from Ordena. You’re supposed to think of your sword as part of yourself, and to let it fall from your hand is to signal your submission to another.”

 

Hella drew her blade from where it was hanging off the back of the chair. Fero took a step backwards, bumping into Lem, his eyes wide. Lem put his hand on Fero’s shoulder, still frowning at her.

 

“Hella, what-” began Lem.

 

Hella went to one knee, laying her sword at Fero and Lem’s feet.

 

“Hella?” said Fero, voice small.

 

Hella looked up at them. “I, Hella Varal, swear that my blade will never be raised to harm you so long as I am living. I swear it by my life.”

 

Hella held her breath, waiting. After an agonising moment, Fero stepped over her sword, wrapping his two small arms around her shoulders and burying his face in her neck. Lem followed, kneeling down to put his arms around them both.

 

“I swear it by my  _ life _ ,” repeated Hella, her voice breaking on the word ‘life.’ 

 

Her life and her sword were all she had to give them. They had to understand, had to  _ know _ how Hella felt about them. 

 

“I’m sorry,” said Fero, “I’m sorry, I’d just never… and we thought...”

 

Her neck felt wet, and Fero sniffed. Hella pressed a kiss to the top of Fero’s head. She felt Lem’s arms tighten around them both.

 

“It’s okay,” said Hella, “it’s over, for tonight at least.”

 

Fero moved back, wiping his eyes. “And tomorrow?”

 

Hella put her hand on Fero’s chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart. “We can face tomorrow when it comes. For now, let us rest.”

 

Hella watched over Fero and Lem for a long time in the darkness before she could fall asleep.

 

\----

 

Hella woke before the sun, as she always did. She turned slowly to lay on her side so as not to wake Fero and Lem, leaning on her elbow to look over at them in the morning light. Lem had an arm around them both, warming her side against the cold morning air. Fero curled around Lem, his arm twisted in the fabric of Lem’s shirt. His hair was flopping into his face as he breathed, and Hella reached over to brush it out of the way.

 

Fero’s eyes fluttered open.

 

“Everything’s fine,” whispered Hella. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

Fero looked up at Lem, who was still asleep, and back to Hella. “I don’t think I’ve ever been awake before Lem.”

 

“What do you think of it so far?”

 

Fero looked thoughtful. “It’s very quiet.”

 

Hella bit her lip to muffle her laugh.

 

Fero grinned at her, wriggling so that he was closer. He crooked his finger, motioning to her, and Hella leaned in. As she did, Fero closed to gap between them, kissing her softly. Hella smiled, tugging at Fero’s shirt to pull him closer so she could deepen the kiss.

 

“If this is what happens when I wake up before Lem, maybe I should do it more often,” said Fero.

 

“It’ll happen no matter when you wake up,” said Hella. “Although the earlier you wake, the more time we have for this.”

 

“Hmm,” said Fero, “you make a very compelling case, but I think I need do it a few more times to make sure. Lem’s always telling me to look for patterns.”

 

“Oh, of course,” said Hella seriously, leaning forward to kiss him again.

 

“Um, good morning.”

 

Fero and Hella broke apart, looking over at Lem. Even in the dim light, Hella could see a blush spreading over his cheeks. 

 

She grinned. “Good morning.”

 

“I was awake before you today,” said Fero cheerfully.

 

“Yes, I can see that, wh-”

 

Whatever Lem had been going to say was cut off by Fero’s kiss. Lem’s hand cradled the back of Fero’s head, and Fero’s hands curled into Lem’s shirt in response. Lem carded his fingers through Fero’s hair and Fero made a soft sound, pushing his body up, trying to be closer to Lem.

 

Hella felt Lem’s arm tighten around her, pressing her more tightly against Fero’s side. She took advantage of the motion, moving so that Lem’s side was between her legs. She rocked against him slowly, enjoying the lazy friction of it as she watched Lem and Fero.  

 

She snuck her hand under Lem’s shirt, and he broke apart from Fero with a gasp. She took the opportunity to push upwards as Fero had done, kissing Lem. She reached for Fero’s hand, squeezing it as she deepened her kiss with Lem.

 

Lem gasped again, breaking off their kiss to rest his forehead against her’s for a moment. Fero continued to kiss along Lem’s neck, pausing in one spot when it got a particular reaction from Lem. Hella traced a finger up and down the other side of Lem’s neck, and he shivered.

 

“How-  _ Oh _ \- how much time do you think we have before Hadrian shows up?” said Lem.

 

“ _ Please _ don’t talk about Hadrian right now,” said Fero.

 

Hella hummed, eyeing the slow sunrise out of the window. Hadrian would have morning service at the church, there were few events of enough importance for him to ever miss that while he was in Velas, and would probably speak to the city guard before coming to see her.

 

“A few hours, I think,” said Hella. 

 

“Good,” said Lem.

 

He put a hand under Fero’s chin, tilting Fero’s face up so that he could kiss him. Lem ran his hand along Fero’s body, flipping their positions so that Fero was underneath him. This time, it was Fero who gasped.

 

“I have a few ideas of how we could pass the time, if you’re both amenable,” said Lem.

 

“I think I could be convinced,” said Hella, her hand following the path along Fero’s body that Lem had taken.

 

“Yes,” gasped Fero, “all ideas here are good ideas,  _ Hella _ -”

 

Hella laughed, and kissed him. Whatever news today would bring, it could wait for this.

 

\----

 

Fero tugged nervously at his shirt, shifting his weight from foot to foot. Lem bit his lip, touching the violin strapped to his back.

 

“Both of you look fine,” said Hella, “Stop fussing.”

 

“I’m not fussing,” said Fero. 

 

He pulled at the collar of his jacket, trying to get it to lay flat. Hella caught his hands, crouching down to be eye-level. 

 

“We’re not going into battle, it’s just a dinner,” said Hella.

 

“I know it’s just a dinner,” said Fero. “They’re not mutually exclusive, though.”

 

The sound of someone bounding enthusiastically down the stairs came through the door, and Hella straightened.

 

“Hella!” said Ren cheerfully, “You made it!”

 

Ren pulled her into a hug, and Hella returned it, laughing.

 

“Of course I made it,” said Hella, “I’m only staying on the other side of town.”

 

Ren laughed. “I suppose you’re right.” They looked from Fero to Lem. “And who are these fine people?”

 

“This is Fero, and this is Lem,” said Hella, “Noah told me to bring my people, so I did.”

 

Lem blushed. “And we brought pie, from the market.”

 

“My kind of people, too” said Ren. “Come on, I’ve been reliably informed that dinner's almost ready.”

 

Hella took Fero and Lem’s hands, and followed Ren into the house.

 

\----

 

Hella stood before a council of holy men of the church of Samothes and two Valesian counselors. Sabrina and Hadrian sat at opposite ends of the table, separated by the others in their factions.

 

“You have to understand, what Ordena is planning to do is dangerous and without precedent. But you know them better than we do,” said the counselor to the left.

 

Hella nodded. “I do understand.”

 

“We will need you to join us, for a time. Some travelling to where we have embassies, some discussions of relations and agreements. We hope that given our recent… assistance that you will use your expertise to aid us.”

 

Hella nodded again. “You have my blade when you need it.”

 

Sabrina, from her right at the high table, sighed. “We don’t need the Blade of Hella Varal. We need Hella Varal. You have more use than your blade.”

 

Hella blinked, and looked towards Hadrian for confirmation. He nodded.

 

“Then you have me, too, when you need me. I am grateful for the chance to be of help to a city that has allowed me to be my full self.”

 

\----

 

Later, as Lem enthusiastically told a bedtime story to the barely-awake James and Avery and an amused Noah, and Fero followed Jessie into the kitchen to help with the washing up, Ren caught Hella’s arm.

 

“I heard about what happened,” said Ren, keeping their voice low, “Hell of a way to chose to stay, Varal.”

 

“You know me,” said Hella, “I like what I do to have a noticeable impact.”

 

Ren snorted. “It certainly had one of those.” They paused. “Are you gonna be okay?”

 

“I…” Hella sighed. “I don’t know. I hope so.”

 

She looked over to where Lem was and Ren followed her gaze.

 

“It’s different when you’ve got people, isn’t it?”

 

“It is,” said Hella.

 

“But better, I think,” continued Ren.

 

Hella thought about how, after they left Ren’s home tonight, she’d walk back to the room at the inn with Lem and Fero. They’d be full from dinner, and warm, and they’d fall asleep, limbs tangled together. Their presence by her side felt as certain as her sword.

 

Hella smiled. “Yes.”

 

“Are the two of you going to help with the washing up or are you just going to stand around and talk all night?” Jessie called from the kitchen.

 

Ren threw their arms in the air exaggeratedly. “Work, work, work.”

 

“You look after the babies all day,  _ then _ you can come and talk to me about work,” said Jessie.

 

“I’d  _ love _ to look after the babies all day,” said Ren, “I’ll teach them how to hold a line, they’ll be fishing prodigies.”

 

Jessie laughed. “Let them learn how  _ sit _ first.”

 

Hella followed Ren into the kitchen. She moved to stand next to Fero, who was balanced on a small crate so he could reach the counter. Hella bumped her hip against his.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah,” said Fero, not looking up from where he was very carefully drying a plate, “This is nice.”

 

Hella hummed, listening the Jessie and Ren cheerfully argue with each other in. “It is.”

 

“It’s good that you, you know, still have a connection to your home.”

 

Hella swallowed, about to speak what she had been thinking of the past few weeks.

 

“Ordena is- it’s not home. Not anymore. It’s- You’re my-”

 

Fero tapped twice on the countertop.

 

“Rosemerrow was kind of always a shit hole, but it was still where I was from, y’know? And Lem’s never allowed back in the Archives, but that’s where his parents are. But Velas is a nice middle ground. Enough trees and books and fish smell.” He wrinkled his nose. “So much fish smell. It’s unreasonable. That part I could live without, actually.”

 

Hella nodded, smiling. “Ordena always smelled like burnt hair.”

 

Fero laughed. “That’s so much worse, I can’t even imagine it. Oh man, did you luck out coming here.”

 

Hella kissed the top of Fero’s head and put away the dishes he’d dried. 

 

“I suppose I did.”

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on twitter/tumblr: mariusperkins | madelinestarr


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